Positive, Negative… which wire is which?

Written by  on October 28, 2004 

I usually try to preach a good side to everything. I tend to think that you can look at something two ways, sort of like a plus side or a minus side.

Its pretty well been proved that people with a positive outlook on life seem to enjoy the rosier side of life than those with a fairly negative view on the proceedings of everyday happenings

That doesn’t mean that you should go around out of kilter with the emotions of others, though. You will alienate people if you walk in laughing when people think there is a sad occasion happening. So you have to be aware of the emotions of others. That is, of course unless you are in the habit of mucking up sad events. It will be the outlook rather than the event that will dictate how you go about your life. It’s the plus view rather than the minus view.

Events where you seem to come off worse usually have a message that you can learn and grow from. Just roll back the times to an event of great magnitude happened to you, a loss, accident, threat or some other disaster. Now when you are in the middle of it, everything seems to be going from bad to worse. You get this idea that everyone is picking on you and the nights can be longer than the days if you are depressed about it enough. If you now come forward in time, up to now, despite the incredible stress and strain of the time, right now, are you in a good place?

Nine out of ten people will have moved on, made their peace, learnt the lesson and be looking forward rather than referring back to the upset. So the event of that time is not directly occurring right now. It has its place in the learning process and from that, you have been able to grow.

It’s like you get to this place where it doesn’t matter anymore. I am trying to not make it sound that it has lost its significance but the importance has changed from a disaster to one of quiet contemplation about the event. An understanding occurs where you can give up on the “getting even” with individuals, having to prove you were right or you feel the urge to correct others of their misunderstanding of the time. This positive view is the example I am trying to push. The event was horrendous but now you are OK.

If we are able to expand on this view enough. Allow it to encompass us during this disaster, without belittling the actual circumstances that are occurring. Those emotions that overtook us, consumed us and devoured our normally sane approach to life will be somewhat more under our control. Emotion that is not under our control will cause us far more heartache than we need, especially when we are in a place of stress. Now I’m not saying, or asking for you to become a robot, you know, being so controlling of our emotions that we forget to be real, forget to be the individual that we are. What I am suggesting is to come to the understanding that whatever happens, we are very very capable of making a good fist of our life, whatever the circumstance.

Expectations can also play a major role in determining our outlook. There is that very shallow outlook that means that we don’t create meaningful talk with anyone. Again, there seems to be two sides to this. People with a negative view tend to talk in negatives and usually we don’t want to get into a negative conversation, whoever we are. We don’t mind hearing the difficulties of others but we sure as hell don’t want these people to know anything about us. This creates a rather shallow conversation as we work to protect our views and inner most feelings and concentrate on what we do for a job, the weather and “did you hear that so and so was caught stealing?”

Now expectations can cause us many issues with other people. If we have an expectation that they “should” act a particular way, we are setting them up for a fall. We can’t possibly hope to change another by expecting that they do something. The change in that person will happen if they, themselves, decide to make a change. This expectation, if forced upon them usually has a detrimental effect. Nobody reacts well to force.

If you are able to change your own approach to requesting rather than enforcement, both parties are able to relax a little. Sure, there are some times when things have to be done and this is where you need to be able to explain to another person what is required but you need to do it in terms that they will understand. That way, they are able to see the importance from their perspective and it becomes real to them.

You know, the boss comes down into the factory screaming that an order has to be sent out and it better be done or someone is going to pay. How real is that to the guys on the floor? They think they the boss is an idiot, and so both sides loose some respect for the other.

What happens next is a further deterioration of the relationship. The workers start expecting that the boss will be a certain way. The boss has an expectation that the workers are a certain way and the whole workshop suffers. No wonder people get tired at their work.

Now it doesn’t take a talented person to understand that if they feel valued then they are happier. I’ll throw that question at you right now… Do you feel valued? or, maybe more to the point… If someone values you and your opinion, how do you feel?

If you feel this way, just think how much you can leverage any situation if you value others. I am working on the adage here, that if we feel great being valued, then there is a good change that everyone else will also feel this way if they are valued.

My coaching success is based around the value that my clients make of themselves and others. I don’t have this magic gift for their situation… but they do!! Each of us has this innate ability. We have our own answers and we know. Coaching creates this environment for the person to explore what they want but the answers always come from within. They may seek advice or expand on their knowledge but it started from within themselves… they knew they needed to find out.

A positive outlook, a lack of expectation of others and value of self and others is a powerful combination. You will be able to achieve your wildest dreams and some, with this combination.

There is one more ingredient to making this complete and that is desire. For desire is the driving part. It creates something out there for you to aim for.

A friend of mine had to go to a funeral the other day. She commented later…
“We buried my grandad today and it brought home to me the bizarre thing that a family is. Some thirty or so members of my family were there today and so we met and talked, shared memories, laughed and cried together. I talked particularly to my cousin, I haven”t seen him for more than 20 years, when we were still kids. Eventually we said our goodbyes, wished each other well and got back in our cars. Then, almost as one, we all headed back to our homes – in the same city. You see those 30 some people all live in suburbs, no more than 12 miles apart and yet most of us only ever meet on occasions like this, some we don”t see for 20 years.”

“Now I”m sitting here contemplating this and every one of us has sworn today that we”ll get together or keep in touch but we all know that won”t happen. Tomorrow we”ll go back to what we did yesterday and plod on exactly the same. Is it just us or are all families the same?”

“You know, my cousin works in a large bookshop in town, not 10 minutes walk from where I work. Maybe I”ll take a wander up there next week, I could do with something to read.”

This whole article can be based around this short commentary. We do all go back to doing what we did yesterday… In this case though, my friend has the desire to make a change and I know that will happen. It will happen because of this desire.

I know she is taking a positive view and has no expectations. She values her relationships and now has a desire to make a change. The gift, for her will be what she finds, not what we think. Our views are based on our experiences and, of course, we can’t put our expectations on her either.

This goes for you too. You can do the same thing as you did yesterday and the day before. There is nothing to be ashamed of. My question is…

Are you doing what you dream, or are you filling in time?

Until next week

Cheers… Bill

Bill Gray

Bill is a Business Coach. Working with Individuals, Businesses and Organisations to create better environments and to develop and enhance business ”potential”, into successful business practices.

Sydney, Australia

Ph +61 413 949 521

Copyright ©Bill Gray billgray.biz All Rights Reserved 2004.

Category : ArticlesInformationLife

Tags :