Why do we constantly find that we must justify what we are doing or feel at the whim of others? Why do we want to explain how right we are during an argument? …all this and more…
When we take a step back, it’s amazing the times we think, “I wish I hadn’t said that” or “Well that person deserved it”
The thing is that no one deserves anything. We can work towards happiness or we can stand there justifying and blaming. Justifying and blaming do nothing more than continue the upset or the righteousness. Now being right seems like something to protect… right? Otherwise we are wrong?
Is that the way it goes?
Maybe!!!’, ‘In a situation where both parties are professing being right then surely that’s a mistake. One is right and one is wrong. That’s why we are arguing, isn’t it? So why doesn’t the person who is wrong just admit it? Seems easy and a sure way to stop the embittered dialogue. So why can’t we do it?
Now without trying to get into an argument about this, here is a way in which you can be right and win. It comes down to two words… Love and Fear. Before you back away and go back to reading the local magazine, it’s important to see why these words are used. These words move away from the black/white, right/wrong scenario. There is either love or there is fear.
The dictionary puts love as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.”
And fear as “a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger. A state or condition marked by this feeling”
Now if we don’t feel this “love” then what is the “fear”? What is this anxiety?
Let’s face it, if Joe Blow wants to think that the world is flat, why do we have to prove it otherwise? What harm is being done? And yet every day people want to argue their flat earth or round earth syndrome. So what is the fear around Joe Blow and his flat earth idea? Ask that question about your scenario and you might be surprised at the answer.
It could be a fear that he is right? Or it could be a fear that he’ll make a fool of himself. Whatever it is, there is a fear.
Again, when we get into this discussion and we feel attacked, we set up this defense mode. As you can see, we are replicating the black/white, right/wrong set. If we change how we operate and move from the idea we are being attacked to the idea that this person is in fear, then we can find a different set of answers.
It’s coming from a different place than in the past. You have a choice to experience either Love or Fear. Previously if you chose to go into conflict then you will get exactly that. Now you can continue that frame of mind or you can choose to move away from that concept.
I’m talking about you becoming responsible enough to accept the person in front of you. If you can’t agree with their point of view then work on what they are fearful of or what you are fearful of. Conflict is such a no-win situation for everyone.
Hey, and if you think this only applies to quiet peaceful types, think again. Even if you are the macho type or the divorcee with the feeling that you are hard done by… try this!
You don’t even need to let anyone know that you are changing your approach. The important thing here is that you do. You see, your happiness depends on your composure and your ability to transcend all the emotions you are currently being affected by. Looking at the situations you are confronted by, with this idea of Love or Fear, will make a huge difference to the way others look at you and the way you approach every day in your life.
This is about you and you alone. Its time to shift from I’m right/they are wrong to a new approach. You can be brave and make a difference or you can keep on doing the same old stuff… and don’t get me wrong, if you are happy with how everything is going then there is no reason to change… this is for the people who have decided that they want to shift away from the above
You see, the way we live our lives just isn’t acceptable anymore. There is a tendency to think that our beliefs are such that we are right and all those that disagree are wrong. I’m sorry, but this doesn’t stack up. If you look at our civilization in recent times, you will see definite lack of discipline… and we keep on doing the same old thing and expecting a different result.
It is time to concentrate on doing and living life in a way that is the greatest good for the greatest number. How long can we go on expecting life to go our way when we want bad things to happen to the other percentage of the population? …or in other words, the people who want to disagree with us.
OK, now I have had my little rant, let’s look at this… If each of us can decide to make a change we can start to make a difference. Change isn’t a matter of having everyone working at it… change starts with each of us, all making an effort to make a difference.
Never Give Up
Just as it says, never give up. Even if you are clinging on by the fingernails, it is that last few minute seconds that makes the difference between making it or sinking to oblivion. So when it is all tough and everything looks hopeless, consider the postage stamp. Its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. You too can do this. It’s not something reserved for top athletes or specific individuals. We all possess this ability. Top athletes just use it.
We all have this unique ability in our repertoire. So why not use it. Think back to times you have given up on a project. Sometimes we have all sorts of justifications as to why we stopped doing it but if we are honest with ourselves we will usually find that we were under prepared or lost focus and in the end, it was these points that got the better of us.
It teaches us that part of never giving up is to continue our preparation for the next step.
Sometimes we can have a run in with someone and we loose faith in that person. Now this can be a person who we have had many dealings with in the past but for some particular reason, this time was different. Now looking over the whole event we can be pretty sure that we are making the right decision yet why did we continue it on for so long, beforehand. What makes this time like the straw that breaks the camels back?
Could we have better prepared so that this conflict didn’t occur?
If we can just hang on, just for a little longer, the best is probably around the corner.
Write It Down
I always encourage people to write everything down, instead of keeping it all in their head. Once you put pen to paper, you can clear away the clutter that is inside your head and make informed decisions based on all the info. Writing it down puts all the options out there in front of you. It takes it out of your head and into the real world. It takes it away from just thoughts and starts the process of getting the plan into operation.
I always work on the idea that what’s in your head is just the dream, writing it down is the first step in making the dream a reality. How much do you need to write? …well start writing and find out. You will be amazed at the transformation of the dream into a work in progress with steps and forward motion.
Whether it is a problem, idea, dream, wish or just a thought… put in down on paper and work from there. Many a great idea was lost to someone else because you and I have just thought about it and someone else DID it!!!
Have a great week
Bill is a Business Coach. Working with Individuals, Businesses and Organisations to create better environments and to develop and enhance business ”potential”, into successful business practices.
Ph +61 413 949 521
Copyright ©Bill Gray All Rights Reserved 2004